THE 12-MONTH PATH TO MY NICHE

Why am I always right behind the 8-ball?

2011-02-04T06:47:00.000-08:00

I've been noticing, since I was very young, that all the great ideas I have are created JUST after I announce them. Or just as I'm carrying them out, someone else has put it into play.

I recently got a Kobo-ereader for my birthday. I love it. While I was searching online for books to buy and download, I came across a book written by a girl who was in search of her Niche (ya). She was spending one year (12-months) in a desperate search for what makes her happy. She wrote a book about it (instead of a blog) and I'm sure now she's making hundreds, thousands, hell - maybe even millions off of this title. Yet, here I am...writing a pointless blog, which nobody really reads, or comments on. And other than allowing myself to vent out any feelings I may have pent up - it really does nothing for me.

I'm not slow, or lazy. I'm not unmotivated. I'm just always behind that 8-ball! Every time. My family used to laugh because I wanted to be an inventor - and every time I would give them an example of something I wanted to invent, we'd see a commercial, or an add for that VERY SAME THING. Really. It's been the theme of my life.

I'm not sure I ever REALLY wanted to invent. But I've always had great ideas, and assumed that "one day" I'd really BE somebody. I'd have my own show, or my own clothing line, or I'd be a top name lawyer, or model. Crazy, I know. But that's what I always thought would happen.

I'm quite happy with my wonderful son and husband now. Really, I'm not just saying that. They make me laugh, and I LOVE to hang out with my little guy on Friday nights. Just him and I. But something's missing. Something will always be missing as long as I keep thinking that I have not fulfilled my destiny. .... Time to fulfill it....

So, Baking's out!

2011-01-14T09:33:00.001-08:00

Well, baking didn't do it. I tried a few recipes and ate them heartily. Yes, they were yummy. Yes some of them turned out great. But the next time I was home alone, or pondering at work, I wasn't thinking "wow, I want to bake." So that wasn't it either. What on EARTH do I enjoy? How, at almost 32 years of age, do I have no idea what makes me smile? I know my son does, and I know I like to watch my favorite shows. I love staying in to watch movies with my boys. Like everyone, of course I have things I "like" to do. But where's the passion? Shouldn't I crave something? Shouldn't I want to race home so that I can..._________???? I just don't get it. How does one find out what excites them? I guess by doing exactly what I'm doing. Start searching.

On a side bar, I am now officially only 95 DAYS away from my wedding. And I have just recently noticed that I'm apparently in denial. I have been finding ANY way to occupy my time OTHER than to plan for my wedding. Okay, Dr. Phil - figure THAT one out! I'm excited - and when anyone brings it up, I light up. What's not exciting about flying to St. Lucia, spending two weeks, and coming back married?! I'm marrying my best friend of 12 years, and I LOVE THE BEACH. So, yes, I'm excited. But the anxiety of finding my dress, Phil's outfit, and Taye's outfit is trying to kill me. Dead.

I am starting this weekend with the dress shopping. Let's see how I feel, react and behave after that. I'll keep you posted.

P.S - and tips for hobbies, and fun activities, please HELP.

Baking?

2010-12-13T12:04:00.000-08:00

I started this blog with the intent to find my niche. I really didn't have anything that I could do, or wanted to do with my spare time. I love writing, so I tried that. I like painting, so I tried that. But it just seemed like nothing was really sparking my creative side. At the end of a hard day, I never really had something that made me say, "I can't wait to get home and...." - and what?

Lately I've been baking. Mostly from pre or ready-made Pillsburry. Then I started branching out, and baking some things from leftovers in my freezer. I love the smell of baking in the oven. No matter what it is. OH, and nothing beats having the first warm bite of something you created. mmm. mmm goood!

I'm no pro, and I really don't wanna get into anything too complicated with tools I'll need to purchase. I really just want to bake for me and my family using the tools I already have. It's no fun if it feels like work. Right?

So I think I'll stick with that for a while, and see how that pans out. So far, I've been pretty excited about baking - but I was excited about painting and writing too. Am I ever going to be content???

Oh, how I LOVE the Christmas Season!!

2010-11-22T08:46:00.000-08:00

I know I haven't written on my blog in a while. That may be due to the fact that I normally write when I have something to get off my chest. Or when something is bothering me. Lately, other than my never-ending Endometriosis issues, everything has been absolutely DELIGHTFUL. And I never use that word!

As you know, since Halloween has passed, it's now time to get into the Christmas spirit. And boy, have I ever! My decorations are out, my tree is up, and I'm ready to enjoy every minute of it. I'm even half-way through my shopping. What a treat! Usually, on December 24th, I'm running around like a mad-woman. Trying to grab all of things I forgot, or getting boxes, and paper, and all the bells and whistles. I have to admit, there's a part of me that enjoys the hustle and bustle of last minute details, and I'll be sure to save some of the "extras" for the last minute...but this year, I'll be prepared with gifts, holiday movies, holiday cereal, drinks and cutlery. I'm prepared to ring in 2011 with a big smile on my face for once. It's an amazing feeling.

For once in a long, long time, everyone else's negativity, bah-humbug attitudes, and needs to have the very best of everything even if on credit - is not getting to me.

I found myself browsing through Sears the other day. Watching women of all ages, and ethnicity, walking around frowning, frantic and broke as a joke - trying to figure out how to make Christmas perfect for the ones on their lists. Knowing full-well, it'll all be on credit, and the collection calls will come rolling in come January. I, on the other hand, was looking at the lights, and listening to the music, and showing Taye the "moving reindeer" section. Why not just enjoy it? Why do we have to purchase everything, and borrow and panic, and wonder how to make ends meet? All we have to do is throw on a festive CD, hope for snow, and bake some goodies in order to feel festive. We don't need big screen tv's, new I-Pod's, or Blackberry's. We don't need to cry at night knowing our Visa's are maxed out, wondering how we'll buy anything while the mortgage is due, and we need to get a turkey. Why do that to ourselves? There are many families who have absolutely not a soul to share Christmas with! My happiness comes from knowing I can feed my family, I can dance with them around the tree. I can laugh with them and sing to the music. THAT is what I need for Christmas. Everything else is bells and whistles that disappear at the sound of the new year. Your loved ones do not.

Here's a tip for reminding yourself of the true meaning of Christmas:

Rather than getting caught up with the signs, the commercials, the ads telling you to BUY BUY BUY - try renting as many of the classic Christmas movies as you can, and watch them with your family. Many of them deal with struggling families in poverty - teaching the meaning of Christmas is about Family and friends. Good food and music. Not about the latest MP3 or IPhone. Watching these daily really get your mind wrapped around the "real" needs of the Christmas season. It works for me!

Hold those you love close, as you never know how many more Christmas eve's you'll have with them. Enjoy every minute! ;)

Even my son is enjoying the Christmas spirit!

2010-11-22T08:45:00.002-08:00

Finished result!

2010-11-22T08:45:00.001-08:00

Cookie cutting!

2010-11-22T08:44:00.001-08:00

Baking cookies!

2010-11-22T08:41:00.000-08:00

No more Broadway for this chickeetah!

2010-09-27T07:53:00.000-07:00

I've noticed a lot lately that those around me seem to be pretty fake. I know that social interaction sometimes calls for a bit of sugar coating, or behavior unlike your actual self. That, I understand fully. But the sort of "fake" that I'm speaking about is a bit more obvious.

I've also noticed, in talking to some friends and family members that I may not be the only one noticing it. It's almost like I've reached a certain age bracket where our genre seems to think we've figured out a way to act or behave in order to get what we want. However, we are still young enough not to realize that our charade is quite obvious, and not going unnoticed.

I can honestly say that I've noticed it. I've noticed friends and family members behaving one way with a certain person and then a completely different way with another. What's so wrong with being ourselves, and avoiding those who don't understand us, or like us, and holding close those who do? Isn't that the point? Why on EARTH would I choose to be surrounded by people who only liked the fake version of me? And why on EARTH would I want to hang around all day with someone who I clearly knew was putting on an act for me?

The whole thing is rather exhausting, really.

I've made a conscious decision in my life lately that I intend to follow through with. I am no longer going to put on a game face, smile and nod, or spend any time that's not absolutely necessary with people who are not comfortable being honest, true and pure. Those who aren't, will not see me often. Period. I will no longer explain myself for why I've been busy, I will no longer petition for friendships, or rally to have someone "kicked out of our group". Just not going to happen anymore. The only person who will always look out for me, is me. And I'm starting now. The people who laugh, love and live honestly I will hold dear to me for as long as I possibly can. Flaws and all - I will cherish them. Those who talk behind my back, or other's, or who ask and expect too much of others and not enough of themselves, I will avoid. And openly, at that. I no longer feel like I have to explain. Life's too short. I need to reserve my time with people I enjoy and who enjoy me - FOR REAL.

A situation just took place at work not that long ago, where a co-worker (with Ill-intentions) started drama about me to a loved one. For once, rather than explain myself up and down to the loved one, or explain myself at all, I could do nothing. The reason I couldn't defend myself is because if was pure fabrication. It came out of thin air (i believe out of jealousy for my position at work and my closeness to this individual) and was based on pure lies. Not one ounce of truth to it. Have you ever tried to convince someone that someone else was COMPLETELY crazy? It's near impossible without sounding crazy yourself. So I said and did nothing. I relied totally on the faith, love and friendship of this loved one to make up his own mind, and decide what he'd believe. The situation ended without him coming to me at all. We continued working the way we always had, with no hiccups or bumps in our relationship, working or otherwise. This showed me that he had enough faith in me to dismiss the lies, and trust that they were false. Without me having to explain my position to him , or defend my actions. Which signifies real, unconditional love and friendship.

I lost a lot of sleep that week, fighting with myself about whether or not I would go to him and argue and fight it out. Only to remind myself that if I had to convince him that I was not capable of such behavior, he really didn't' know me at all. So when all was said and done, and my test had passed - I decided that I would go about most of what I do this way. I would be me, present myself to the world as who I really am. Those who have a problem with it or try and tear it down with lies and manipulation will get nowhere - for those who really know me and love me will not be swayed. Those who are swayed are welcome to leave....encouraged, almost.

I intend on continuing on this path - with no regrets. I will let you know how it pans out. I quite frankly just don't have time in my life anymore for the games, the drama and the petty "housewife" behavior. I will not be a part of it, or explain why. NO time. I have to spend my time with those who are worth it to me, for we never know how much time we have.

I hear church bells RINGING!!!

2010-08-18T13:15:00.000-07:00

Well, this is it. As of Sunday, August 15, 2010 at around 8:00 pm I am ENGAGED!! I can't even believe it. The kicker?? My parent's are out of town until tomorrow and I've had to keep it under wraps!!! It's absolutely killing me. I have told two of Phil's sisters, and mine of course and a couple of friends on the down-low...but other than that nobody can know until my Mother and Father do. I think it would break their hearts to know they weren't the first to know, so I've been having to sit on this secret! After 11 and a half years of dating Phil and dreaming about this moment, and I can't tell a soul. Ironic isn't it? They're due home tomorrow and I can barely handle the ticking clock.

We haven't really begun wedding and date planning yet - but I want to relish in this moment a bit longer before I start thinking about any of that. You know how I usually paint when I'm angry or upset? I've just recently finished a piece that I painted during all of these positives. I will post the picture tomorrow and you can tell me if you see a difference in my painting technique when I'm happy vs. when I'm upset. It'll be interesting to see.

Thanks for sharing in my wonderful news!! I couldn't be more happy, content and excited!! Talk to you'all tomorrow. ;)

The Power of Colour!

2010-07-28T13:12:00.000-07:00

You know, it's really strange how different each artist is from another. Even the word 'artist' feels strange as a word I would use to describe myself. I'm not an artist in my mind. I know nothing of art. I do not know art of today, or yesterday. I don't know certain techniques, or any sort of mixing or shading strategies. My goodness, I watched a video the other day on how to paint a palm tree. I was so confused, I clicked GOOD BYE.
I find that my 'strategy', if there is one, when it comes to my painting is colour. I've only done two pieces (that I would hang) so far. Neither is like the other at all. But I found a common ground between the two of them. First, I envisioned the colour palate I wanted, and the rest came after that. My first painting was inspired by orange and brown, because I was thinking a lot of fall and Hallowe'en when I began. The second was inspired by brown and yellow and white - and these were the colours that I wanted to bring out of the room, in which I wanted to hang this particular piece.
I just recently stopped in at a local art store for blue and bright white paint. I'm not sure where I'm going with it but, I know that I want bold, bright, and modern. We'll see what comes after that.
I think the thing I love most about art is that it is so freeing and non-judgemental. There is not a specific way you are 'supposed' to paint. You just do it from the heart. Either people will like it, or they won't. But it really doesn't matter at the end of the day as long as YOU like it. It makes me feel like I'm really good at something. Like I have a knack for something some others may not. It's important to have something you can do that sets you apart from others. It can be ANYTHING, but has to be something! I'm loving it so far, and will post pictures of my new "blue" inspired piece as soon as it's finished. It really is helping me get out some frustrating feelings that would have been kept inside otherwise.....if nothing else!
Thanks for reading!! xo

Typical Impulse

2010-07-26T11:30:00.000-07:00

Funny story. I spent the ENTIRE weekend looking for art. I looked everywhere - and nothing popped out at me. I'm looking for very specific art for very specific spaces in our new place. I know what I like and I like what I know...so there's no real way to explain to anyone what I'm looking for exactly.
Anyways, long story short - I gave up. I found nothing. I reached out to some fellow facebookers, and some suggested painting my own. I mulled it over - but my personality just wouldn't sit with my art being displayed in my own house. I think that I would shy away from the questions or the praise, believe it or not. I thought maybe it would be tacky to hang my own work. Then, come the end of the weekend, I found myself staring intensely at the blank wall in our bedroom. I was looking from the curtains, to the bedding, to the walls and to the floor. Trying to create a palate without even realizing it. It was pure magic. My son had fallen fast asleep for a much needed a nap in his bedroom while this was taking place. It had been a while since I had worked on my flower (that I'm trying to get done for a special someone in September), and all of a sudden I quickly headed for my "future" studio with this "palate" in my head. I put aside my flower, and started creating. Now keep in mind that it looks simple - and it doesn't have a name, or a reason. But it was intense. It was a feeling I can't really describe. I just began painting and fell in love with it more and more as I continued.
It now hangs in my bedroom, and I'm actually proud of it every time I see it. You may not agree, and that's okay with me because it fills a spot in my own mind that I'll treasure every time I see it.
Here it is so you can check out what I'm talking about.

I still don't think I could place something I created in my own foyer - but my bedroom was a start. Something for just us.
Funny part of this story:
I asked my hubs to come check it out. He followed me inside with car oil all over his hands. I lead him to the bedroom and said, "okay, close your eyes". Then he was told to open. His response? "Oh. Hm. Well, it's better than the blank wall!" lol...OH EM GEEE! I could have killed him! Here I am, having this Epiphany moment, and he says that?! He's been trying to explain himself ever since, and repeating how nice it is, and how supportive he is. It's quite hilarious. Note to self - prepare for Phil's response. Hahahaha....Thanks for checking it out! ;)

Warmer, Warmer, COLD!

2010-07-23T09:43:00.001-07:00

Supposed to rain all weekend. Nothing like the feeling of having nothing to look forward to for the weekend. May just hop in the car, and say to GPS "Destination - ADVENTURE" and see where it takes me! haha...
I'm usually a planner, and although I try and claim that I like surprises, I really don't. I more enjoy the anticipation of knowing something good is coming. A surprise, well, sure it's good in the moment. But then it's over. There is no preparation, no excitement, no fun in that! That's just me anyways.
I'm thinking I'll finish my painting at some point. But again, I'm really only good at painting or drawing when I'm upset. Cliche - yes. But absolutely true. Other than that I think I may go art shopping for a HUGE naked space in our new home. I may take a look at some wedding bands for my soon-to-be hubby. I may hit up an IKEA for some decor ideas and trinkets....and maybe take my mini-boyfriend to Chuck-E-Cheese. I just can't stand to be stuck at home, unless home is offering me something to do.
It was funny, because I was just thinking the other day of all the things that so many people enjoy doing, that I can't fathom doing!! It's strange really. Like gardening, camping, fishing. YUCK. It's all stuff I'd sooner die than do! And here are all these women around me marveling over it, and talking about how much fun it is to do. Am I from Mars?
I'm not really sure what it is I LIKE...but I guess that's what this blog is designed to help me figure out. I like "different". This much I know. I can't stand too much of the same thing. Thank goodness Phil has managed to survive at least that much!
I also like immediate gratification. If it's not going to produce some sort of immediate relief, or positive result or feeling..I really don't wanna do it. Sad really, but again - ALL TRUE.
I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to finding out who I really am with each and every post I write on this blog.
Thanks for reading - You're the reason I keep writing.
Have a great weekend everyone! ;)

Back to the drawing board!

2010-07-20T07:09:00.000-07:00

So, as you know I've begun my painting. Still needs some work, but I will get to it. My real concern is my book. I've been browsing some other blogs that I tend to follow, and I'm finding that some other writers are having the same sort of trouble that I am. It has to be the most frustrating thing EVER.
Here's what happens:
I love to write - fact. I can come up with great ideas - fact. I can write page upon page without looking back - fact. I give up half way through because other great ideas get all jumbled up in my mind - FACT.
This is the second time that I've gotten a considerable amount through a story, and I go cold. I stop writing and then it's like pulling sticky caramel out of my hair to get me back to my book! I don't get it. This time I didn't' map out my writing, and didn't think too far ahead (which is what I thought might have been the problem the last time). I love the plot, and am in love with my characters, but I just can't go on. It's like as soon as I started thinking of my new idea..I have no urge to continue with this one. Like part of me thinks it's a waste of time, because the next one will be much better.
I thought I was alone in this problem, but it turns out that others are struggling with the same exact thing. Any suggestions on digging my way out of this rut??

I think I'll start back at it today. Just force myself to finish another chapter and see how it sits with me. I've got to find a way to make myself fall back in love with this story!

I love it when a plan comes together!!

2010-07-19T06:41:00.001-07:00

Nothing really great to say about Monday's, is there? I'm alive...I'm breathing and pain free - so I guess it's a good Monday.
I had a GREAT weekend! You're never going to believe where Phil took me! RING SHOPPING. It was all I could do not to burst into tears. We tried on and looked at so many rings. Phil found one that he thinks he likes...but I don't' think it's the one. I think he "liked" it, but didn't "love" it. I think we can find one he LOVES. The rings I was trying on were all too narrow, too frilly, or just not me. One of the ladies was pretty pushy. Whenever I said "no", she'd just slip on a bigger rock. Like that was the problem. Finally I just said to her, "I think I'll know when it's the right one."
Let me back up for a second, as I'm not sure I've explained our plans in past posts.
Phil and I are trying to have the same last name before Taye goes to school this September. Having said that, we can not afford our St.Lucia wedding that we've been dreaming about quite yet. So, our plan is just to pick out our rings together - (skip the traditional idea of putting a ring into a cupcake and popping the question - puke), and get married by a justice of the peace by September. Then we can plan our wedding ceremony in St.Lucia for next year. Anyways, that was the purpose for shopping together.
The first store we had gone into was very busy...I picked one out to try on, and Phil picked one for me to try on. But, since they were so busy, we decided to go into a few other stores, and go back to that one at the end. We did. I tried on the first one, and it was beautiful. It didn't fit, but it was really pretty. I thought maybe that was the one. I held on to it as I looked at a few others. Then the other one Phil had picked out, that I had forgotten about, popped out at me. "Oh, I almost forgot, Can I try that one on please?" I asked. And I looked at Phil as if to say, "I can't believe I almost forgot about that one!" I figured that it would be out of our budget, as it was a lot more detailed than the other rings, and larger diamonds as well. Plus, this one came as a set. I tried it on - and just about died. It was the one. I looked at Phil while I was choking back tears, and he smiled and said, "That's the one, isn't it?" And that was it. So now, I am sitting in my office, just wanting to go try on my ring again and again. I can't wait until we find Phil's ring and we can order them! This is all too exciting!
Thanks for reading my post, and sharing in my life! I'll keep you posted as this progresses!!

Have a great week everyone.

2010-07-16T07:19:00.000-07:00

2010-06-22T14:09:00.000-07:00

What a dreary, rainy day! Oh, I sold my house by the way! It was only listed for 6 days when we got out first offer. Our closing is supposed to take place July 5th, which is great because for us, the sooner the better! We're a little overwhelmed with everything that has to take place from now until then - but overall, we're mostly excited. It's strange how everything happens for a reason. We couldn't sell the house to save our lives the last two tries...but when it's meant to be, it happens faster than I could have imagined. Amazing.
Not having the best of days today at work, so I'll keep it short and sweet, just wanted to spread the good news!
Cheers to another year full of positive surprises!!

It's not a blank Canvas anymore!!

2010-06-15T07:45:00.000-07:00

Well. I did it. Last night, after a very frustrating tense moment involving my father, my husband and I, I desperately needed an outlet. I took one walk into the future "studio" and started setting up my supplies. I didn't really know where I was going with my painting, hell, I hadn't even sketched anything yet. So I starting setting up my paints and brushes, and choosing the colour palate I wanted to work with, or at least begin with, and I just kept going. I painted until about 11pm. The Picture above is where I left off. I like where it's going, and let me tell you - I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT. You know you're having fun when time flies the way it did. There's something to be said about creating something yourself from nothing. It's such a wonderful feeling.
I decided to start off with my famous flower. This is the flower I constantly sketch. Different colours, shapes an sizes...but always this flower. So what better to start off with, right? I'm loving it so far. It still needs work, but I'll post pictures as I go.
It reminded me a lot of when I was in my teens. My parents and I were butting heads pretty badly over a horrible boyfriend I had. So, needless to say I was rebellious, frustrated and sad a lot of the time. I asked my mom permission to paint a mural on my bedroom wall. She was quick to say yes. My parents were always very supportive of what my sister and I called our "passions", though they changed from day to day. I painted for a week straight. No sketching...just freehand. When it was finished, I loved it, but at the same time I was sad that it was finished. It was such a release of negative energy for me. I wanted to continue painting, but without something to drive you, it's hard. So I just went on doodling and sketching, but never painted again.
Last night, I was 16 again...and I was loving every minute of it. Now that I've begun painting again, I don't know that I'll stop!

The "Unsolved Diagnosis" struggle.

2010-06-14T07:06:00.000-07:00

So, if you've read through any of my previous posts, you'll know that I often reference a 'health issue' that I've been struggling with. I think I'll take the time today to explain it a bit. At least to give you an idea as to what's been going on..and what has kind of contributed to my need for an outlet.
About a year before I became pregnant (about 5 years ago), I was starting to experience bad, crampy pains in my lower abdomen. It felt like bad period pains. It was the only way to explain it, then. It was only a few times a month if that, and usually only lasted an hour at most. I had gone through it for a few months, but after becoming pregnant the pain seemed to disappear. With being so wrapped up in having my first child, and the pain not being present at all, I dismissed it. I assumed whatever it was had passed.
Throughout the entire pregnancy, I felt no pain. I actually had a very easy pregnancy with absolutely no complication.
Let me back-track for a quick moment - I have been with for 11+ years...and when I was 21, Phil and I became pregnant. I had a miscarriage shortly after, and the doctors had said it was due to scar tissue. I went no further with any research as it sounded like a normal condition. The doctors reassured me that it was common, and that it 'just wasn't meant to be yet', as they put it. They said it was highly likely that I could still become pregnant.
Okay, moving back to present: after I had my son, the doctors had placed me on a form of Birth Control. They said this would prevent immediate pregnancy and allow my body to heal (I had had a c-section). I was on the pill for the first year of my son's life, and then decided to stop taking it.
Shortly after I had made that decision, the pain came back. It came back as a mild cramping pain that only seemed to come on once or twice a month. Not a big deal. I began seeing my doctor regarding it. For three years, we tested for Celiac, Crones disease, we did ultrasounds, x-rays, scopes, and nothing came back with any answers. I had upped my fibre intake, changed my diet, stayed away from dairy as much as possible, and didn't touch an alcoholic beverage at all. The reason for all of this was because I had no idea what triggered the pain. It was so random, and so I quit eating or drinking anything that seemed to go down just before an "attack" (what I called them).
Throughout the three years, the pain became absolutely unbearable. It would come on so strong that I would keel over in pain, nauseated to the point that I would vomit, and I would scream and cry as though I were in labour. I had even taken two ambulance trips to the hospital (we are 10 minutes away from it).It was insane to me!
The doctor had me on Percocet. A strong pain-killer, but it was short lived, as I was afraid of addiction, so I quit taking those as well. For a long time, I would just take Tylenol with Codeine for the pain. It seemed to be the only thing that worked.
Finally, a friend of mine had posted on her facebook that she was "back from the hospital". When I wrote to her to find out if she was okay, she went into great detail with regards to the type of pain she was in, and what sorts of testing they were doing. It turns out she had Endometriosis. Right after hearing about all of her symptoms, and feeling the hair on the back of my neck stand up because they were so similar to mine, I began my research into Endometriosis. Long story short, I had an appointment with a specialist, who says that he believes that's what it is, and put me back onto the birth control pill to stop my pain. He says if the pain comes back, I'll have to have a small surgery to determine if I do in fact have Endometriosis, and how badly. That surgery would determine what if anything they can do to remove the scar tissue.
Endometriosis is a disease in which the tissue that forms on the inside of your uterus, actually grows outside of the uterus...in places like your stomach lining, bowel walls, and otherwise. This causes a great deal of pain, especially around menstrual cycles. It feels just like severe labour pains when it's full blown. Horrible, horrible pain. And apparently it is a very common disease in Canada.
So far I am not feeling any pain. I have the odd bowel cramping (because endo effects bowel movements), but other that that, I haven't had an "attack" since.
I just wanted to share that with you, so that I may blog in the future about how I'm feeling as I go. Feel free to share anything medically that YOU may be going through as well - because without the help of my friends and family's disclosure of what they had been through, I would not have diagnosed this problem!!
xo

Is the reality of "CONTENT" even a possibility?

2010-06-09T10:31:00.000-07:00

I find myself sitting at my desk today, surrounded by jerks who are completely enthralled in a giant power struggle, thinking to myself - where's my happy place? You know, everyone tells you before a needle, or before you have to give a nerve-racking speech - 'just go to your happy place". I'm not sure I have one of those. Wait, I do have one, but it seems so un-attainable. It's the beach, surrounded by palm trees, sipping anything cold, hearing the faint sound of calypso, or reggae or Spanish music. I'm feeling the warm sun on my cheek, accompanied by the warm breeze flowing through my hair. I'm staring at a disgustingly bright blue ocean, as my beautiful son plays in the sand just feet from me, and my husband yells out "do you want a piece of plantain?" That is my happy place. The struggle for me though, is 'IS this every one's happy place'? Am I just envisioning something that most people spend a load of money each year to escape to? Is this a dream that, should I follow, would eventually lead me right back to the SAME OLD feeling of discontent? Would I just become used to the palm trees, the sand and the music? Is the theory of 'The Grass is Always Greener' just something made up by those who do not posses the courage to actually check?
These are all questions that have been running through my mind. The book I'm writing has a setting and plot much like my dream. With each word I write, I find myself sitting back and wishing it were me.
I just sometimes wonder if God mistakenly put me in the wrong country. Maybe he meant to drop me off in the Caribbean, but let go too early, and let go over Canada? Long shot isn't' it?
Here's to holding on to the dream I have, and one day making it reality. IF the reality of CONTENT is even a possibility!

Who would'a thunk it??

2010-06-08T12:46:00.000-07:00

I can't even believe the changes that are happening in my life right now! As a teenager, and young adult I would often sit back and stare at clouds and dream of the kinds of things that are happening in my life now. I'm almost afraid to talk about them out loud, for fear that it's all too good to be true. Don't get me wrong, I have every day struggles like I always have, but the BIG PICTURE kinds of things are coming together now.
Last weekend I cleaned, I painted, I moved heavy furniture, I un-cluttered, and I re-arranged just about everything. Our house if officially listed for sale, and I had a great idea pitched to me by my mom. She said, "why don't you clean out your place, and start moving your extra clutter, furniture and belongings into the new place (their old house that we're going to buy). That way, if your real estate agent wants to show your home, you can show it anytime without the hastle of re-cleaning each time." What a great idea...guess that's what moms are for. So that's what I spent the weekend doing.
Phil was away at a basketball tournament 4 hours away for the entire weekend. So everything was left up to me. By Sunday night, we were semi moved in to the new place.
The first night was strange. There was a lot of moving around and cleaning to do, as a lot of my mom and dad's stuff is still there. Taye was a little "off" as well, because he was in an unfamiliar environment too.
HOWEVER, I took one walk into the spare bedroom (the room that will become my studio), and looked to my right. There was my easel, with all my supplies ready to be used. Then I looked to the other side of the room, and there was my computer. With a small lamp. The space was almost calling my name. As if it were meant to be. As if I was finally going to have a place that I could be proud of. A home that didn't give me headache to think about. I was in love.
Last night was night two. Taye was much more settled in, and I was in my element once again. I cooked a delicious dinner, and got Taye in the bath (MUCH bigger than his last bath tub) and to bed on time. It was starting to feel like home. I guess I should modestly mention, just so you can wrap your mind around what I am writing, that this house is enormous. It's much, MUCH larger and more grand than the sardine can of a house we lived in before. The gratitude I am feeling, you can not express in words.
I'm so happy that we've finally made a decision that is going to catapult us into the right direction. I'm a firm believer in the statement "it's not what you have, it's who you love" - and I stick by that today..however, I also think it's time in my life to have a comfortable home for my family that can help facilitate my writing and painting, and centre me a bit. I always felt so out of place. Like I wasn't in the right house, or at the right job, or surrounded by the right people. I still have many of those problems today, but I can feel it starting to come together now. We now have a place I'm proud to call home. And from there, I will start my next jouney - with pride.

Writing - My savior

2010-06-04T08:57:00.000-07:00

This week was a doozy for me! We were informed by my family that they are in fact going to sell my husband and I their home! It was great news. I was overly excited, to the point that I was second guessing if the news was "too good to be true". I'm always the type of person who can't just accept happiness. I've got to search for the "catch". Horrible way to be, I tell you!
Anyways, I had a really bad day in court at work, my co-workers are really laying on the "annoying" thick this week, and then my dad says, out of the blue "maybe we'll RENT it to you guys". I mean, why change your mind now? I know, with a clear mind that there must be a reason. There must be something he's thinking of, for the benefit of us. Maybe he's worried we won't get the mortgage (which could be a reality). He's always thinking of us. But talk about a low blow.
That night, I went home a complete MESS. I was so angry. I was so emotional. I couldn't talk to anyone but Phil. I told him that I am sick of allowing other people to make decisions that affect my life. I'm always waiting on others to move forward in my OWN life. It's true. I'm not married. I'm common law. Why? Because that dream is up to SOMEONE else. I'm living up north. Why? because my husband and family wanted me to move there. I'm not moving up at work. Why? Because no matter how hard I work, or how much I learn, I'm daddy's little girl. There's no room to shine. I know he's proud, but I'm used to a different environment. You're never really taken seriously when you work for a parent. By Your parent, or by the other employees. No matter how hard you work, or what your position.
Phil heard everything I had to say, and while he was extremely supportive, he has a way of finding silver linings. WHICH just annoyed me further. So, all I could think about was writing. It's all I wanted to do.
The next day I began writing more of my book. I am now 28,151 words into it. And LOVING IT. I'm not going to say I have found my Niche, BUT, I am loving it.

Hoping to pack, paint (doors, not canvas), and clean this wknd. Have a good one everyone. Cheers to you'all having an outlet of some sort. God bless the keyboard!

I will Paint...I promise....I think....

2010-05-25T07:41:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you can guess what I'm going to say. I haven't begun any painting yet. If that was your guess, you're right! It was a long weekend it Canada, hot, sunny - awesome. But because it was so nice outside, I spent every waking moment outside with Phil and Taye. It was beautiful out there. However, since I exhausted myself to the point I had, I was a tad moody Sunday night. As I rocked Taye to sleep I cried to myself a bit, just out of pure exhaustion and fatigue. That would have been a great time to paint. However, I didn't. I prefered to just cry it out in the bathroom, and then get some sleep. The next day, it was back to sunshine and I was fine.
This week I will begin my "appointment" idea, and start on Wednesday. I will force it until it feels comfortable. And if it never does...I'll move on.
I have to share something with all of you. (all 4 of my followers....one being me - lol). Last week I found myself looking at my immediate family and wondering "who are these people??" I mean I know them, and I love them to death. But I'm nothing like them. I have a temper and drive like my father. I have a sensitive side just like my mother...but I don't have any of the same hobbies, likes, dislikes as any of them. I feel like I'm out of the loop sometimes. Since it was the long weekend, my Uncle Eddie was up (my mother's brother). There were a few things that were said and done that made me realize I get some of my likes and dislikes from him. It made me exhale...like there was nothing "wrong" with me..it all comes from somewhere - I'm me for a reason. It made me start thinking of how judgemental I am of my loved ones. "They don't come around often enough", or "They don't understand me, or listen to me." I have said and felt these things often. But, I find that after noticing the similarities I have to my uncle, I thought, you know what? They don't have to be like me. Everything is not about me. And with that thought, it really made me want to write more. It made me feel even more driven to push forward with finding out what I LIKE, or what satisfies ME. I don't have to fit in, or have anyone understand me. I have to make ME happy. Not just my husband, or my son. But also me. and I intend on doing just that.
I wrote a few pages of my book on Friday - and I have full intentions of writing some more. Maybe I just needed something to push me back into writing - to help me fall back in love with it. We'll see I guess....

Today - I write!!

2010-05-21T07:34:00.000-07:00

It's strange, but for some reason I'm finding the more familiar I am becoming with blogging (which isn't very, believe me) and the more I talk about painting, the more I have the urge to write. I have yet to begin painting, and thanks to a valued blogger who offered some wise advice, I think I may know why. Part of it is definitely "time" - but as you read in my last post, come next week, that will no longer be an issue. But the other part of this obstacle might strongly be because I am a tad overwhelmed with actually "beginning" a piece. I got some great tips from Karen Appleton - a fellow blogger and artist, and I fully plan on utilizing her ideas! I'll keep you posted. But for now, and at least until next Wednesday I'm going to stick to what I know and love - writing. My book is coming along. I haven't been overly inspired because of my environment. I tend to do a lot of my writing during down-time at work - which I haven't much of lately. And to be frank, I am surrounded by some pretty nasty people here. I am constantly battling with their antics and it drives me CRAZY. I'm not used to working with fully grown women who behave as though they are children. It really is new to me, and something I can't wrap my mind around. So, having said all of that, I think you get the just of why I haven't been inspired. I've been leaning on a tall glass o'wine lately...rather than my passion.
Today I am blocking it all out. Today - I write!!
Have a great weekend everyone!!

Off to a slow start.......but have an idea!!

2010-05-19T08:49:00.000-07:00

Well, as you can see (if you've been following my blog, that is) I've been updating my blog to reflect my personality more. I love it so far. What do you think?
I've been trying to get to painting lately. My hubby was sweet enough to secretly set up my easel and paint supplies. I even picked myself up a cute paint brush holder, in pink! However, I think I may have overlooked the most important element in painting. TIME. I don't have any!! I find myself wanting to sneak away, but never having the time!! My son now has what I think is bronchitis. Again. So of course that calls for many sleepless nights. Also, I've been home a bit later than usual because of all the construction surrounding my office. Boy, how I love this time of year.
I just never seen to have any time, and come 9:00pm, I'm beat and just want to get some sleep. I have an idea though! I think I should treat my painting like a doctor's appointment. Really, I do. Let me explain:
Most people make doctor's appointments due to their health in some form. I see painting as a stress reliever, an outlet, which I believe is STRONGLY linked to my well-being and over-all health. Therefore, I think that I should book myself a "painting appointment" once a week. At least. So, I'm thinking Wednesdays might be a good day, and on those days I can come home, make supper, and then leave the rest up to my husband to take care of while I sneak away for my "appointment". That way I am ensuring myself about 2 hours at least every Wednesday to paint. I can always add in some time here and there if I ever have any. But this way I am forcing myself to get to it. To make time for ME. And that is what this journey, and this blog is all about in the long run.
I have a doctor's appointment next week to help guide me in the right direction as to this health issue I've been battling. So far so good. Maybe I'll find some time tomorrow to blog about it.
Stay tuned....

The "other" passion...

2010-05-12T07:23:00.001-07:00

I thought I'd write a bit about my other hobby, in which I've had for years and continue to enjoy. Writing. When I was young, I used to write a lot of poetry, which I still enjoy, although I haven't done any poetry writing in years. I just haven't been inspired to do so. About a year ago I decided to get back into writing. I wasn't sure what kind of writing, so I gave it a lot of thought. I came up with a concept for a novel that seemed to get a great response from people I bounced it off of. I mapped it all out, almost like an essay, and began writing.
At first, I was writing like a speed demon. Almost every day - thinking about it while I was at work, and even writing while at work during down time. I even had side notes of who was who, and what took place where. Like I was creating a memory, for another world that didn't exist. I think I was about 30-40 'word' pages into my book when the movie 9 came out. Then another movie called 9 came out withing months. My book was to be named 9 - it felt like a sign. I became a little discouraged, as I felt like a copy-cat a bit, and was desperate for originality. I was about 60 pages in when I realized I was no longer interested in finishing it. I think there was a combination of discouragement, and plain old boredom that had me end it. I think I became bored with my story because I had the entire thing mapped out. From beginning to end. I knew what was destined to happen before I wrote it, and that was a little boring for me. It was like trying to read a book when I'd already seen the movie. As I discussed these concerns with some loved-ones, I realized that when I wrote as a young person, I never knew where I was going with a poem or a story. I just sat down and wrote...and wrote...and wrote until I was finished and satisfied. So, I took a small break, and have abandoned my last idea (for the time being, I will go back to it) and am about 55 pages into my next idea. This time, no mapping, no planning and no title yet. Just writing. And I love my book so far. I haven't written since I began this blog, and my painting ideas. So, today I am planning on writing through my lunch at work, and on any down time I may have. I now have my second wind.
Stay tuned...

Only thing left to do.....is begin!

2010-05-11T06:57:00.001-07:00

Well, I have to say, painting would be a handy outlet right about now, as I'm a tad bit TIFFED!! I just finished blogging about my recent purchase of my painting supplies. The blog was about a page in length, it was articulate. It was honest, and it was informant in my opinion. Just as I was uploading the picture of my new supplies, BAM - lost it all. Now, even though I don't have an extra minute in my day to save my life, I have to re-write it all. OOOOOOKAY......DEEEEEEEP BREATH. Phew....let me start again. (You see why I need an outlet? lol)

Over the weekend, I purchased the remainder of my "starter-kit" to get me started with my first piece. I have given it a lot of thought about what I'd paint, and not only do I have the idea nailed down for my first...but quite possibly my second as well. I'm excited, as you can probably hear in the tone of my writing (through my anger of the previous 5 minutes -- argh.)

As a child, and into my youth, whenever I would sketch out of pure feelings, or emotion I would almost always draw a flower. A big, exaggerated flower. All different colours, and shapes...but always a flower. So, it only feels right to begin with that. I have some ideas about the second as well, but I think I'll save that for a later date, as I haven't even begun my first to find out if there will even be a second. The way my temper flares up, I'll be lucky if my easel survives the first session!!

By Friday I'm hoping to have at least my sketching completed - and I promise to update some pictures.
I'm afraid that as I'm taking on this new endeavor, I've sort of put my book on hold. I haven't written a word since I bought my easel. I promise myself to get back to it once I'm comfortable in this painting thing. And, I WILL finish it.
Tomorrow, I sketch...

The first step!

2010-05-04T13:04:00.000-07:00

I bought my easel!! It's nothing amazing. All wood, and sturdy from what I can tell by the picture - and 40% off!! No, I'm no professional, and let me tell you, it was hilarious walking through the arts and crafts store trying to find the items I needed to begin my first project. I had no idea what to look for, and to be honest I still have no idea. But, part of the fun is the unknown! Trying out new and different ways of doing things is the point, isn't it?
Now that I have my easel I'm eager to buy the rest of my supplies. My pay-day falls on Thursdays, so you better believe that on Thursday I'll be getting the rest of my supplies so that I may start painting this weekend. After all, it's mother's day weekend. I should have my first session of peace and quiet on that day, don't' you think? I'm assuming Acrylic paint is a plus, right? Also...I know as a beginner I should probably begin with paper, rather than canvas, but I really want a finished product on canvas. And I'm known for hitting the mark on the first try - I'd have a hell of a time trying to re-do something I love on a canvas as a finished product. So, my second hurdle: "To Canvas, or not to Canvas?" Here goes...

Maybe Tomorrow

2010-04-29T13:20:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm not off to the greatest start. I had full intentions of going shopping today for my paint supplies to get me started. Needless to say, judging by the title of this post, I didn't. I didn't even really get a lunch today at work, so I'm going to aim for tomorrow. I did, however read the first line in my book, called Twilight. Yes, I have joined the living reading about the dead. Wait, are vampires even dead? I guess I'll find out, won't I? That's besides the point. I promise to try and stick to my tasks from now on...rain or shine. Tomorrow, I will get my paint supplies!

FEEDBACK

2010-04-28T13:27:00.000-07:00

So, I told my family about my blog today. They were pretty light-hearted about it. An outsider may view it as not being supportive, but it's not the case at all. My immediate family have always layered most things with humour. Nothing is ever discussed without cracking a few jokes. Not even bad news. We do, however, always know when to keep a serious tone about us, if the time calls. I'm sure there will be a few comments, and lord knows what they'll have to say, but I'll always treasure their involvement in my life. Although I joke, they will always lend an ear, or a helping hand. Or...at the very least laugh my idea down the crapper. But through all laughter I feel supported...even if they do view this as another "Lee-Ann" endeavor. A "phase". Which, may I add, this very well could be.

Tomorrow, I buy paint....

DAY 1

2010-04-26T12:36:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am. I have finally decided to go ahead with actually taking the time out of life to find out what makes me tick. What gets me through a long, drab day. I see people around me with hobbies, and interests, and goals. They get so excited about it while they explain it to me, and I LONG for that feeling. I am not one who usually finishes any one idea...IF I even begin it. Which also almost never happens. Usually, on a bad day I often tell myself "I have to find some kind of outlet" - but I rarely actually follow that advice. I mean, who of us do?
I am the worst for not taking my own advice. I have been going through some health problems (that I'll get into later), and some age obsticles, and some very "limbo-stage" kinda days. I really need something to look forward to. I am not overweight, so I have no intentions of excersizing. I don't smoke anymore, and I rarely drink because of my "unsolved-mysteries" type of health lately! So really, I have no outlet. When I get emotional (hey, I'm a woman), or when I'm having a down-right asshole of a day, I have nothing to look forward to, or to take me away from what it is I'm feeling - even just for a moment.
I tried reading....well, reading makes me fall asleep, frankly. So that's not gonna jive.
I've tried writing a book, which by the way, I'm on page 51 of. I love it, but I only get a chance to write while at work, and let's face it, work SUCKS. So it's not the best inspiration for my book. I find myself just "getting through" each page. Without excitement, or contentment.
Just recently, I was having a really bad day. I was PMS'ing, and extremely frustrated! I was going to scream. I didn't know what to do, so I just locked myself in the bedroom. I picked up my diary to write out my feelings, and try to get them out of my system - but as I looked at the pages, I didn't feel like writing. I just began drawing. Well, sketching really, of just shapes, and shades. I Started drawing my son's name, and shading around it, and before I knew it, an hour had passed. I felt better. Like I had drawn my feelings out of me, and on to the paper. I remember doing that as a kid often. Hiding from any bad feelings by writing in my journal and I'd end up drawing and shading more than writing.
I once wrote a whole story in grade 6. It was 26 hand-written pages, and although it now seems easy to write 26 pages, back then it was a lot.
I used to come right home after school, thinking about my story and then lock myself up there writing until supper time. THAT is the feeling I am now chasing. However I don't seem to get the same feeling out of writing anymore. I feel like it's too thought out, and not spontaneous enough.
Writing on this blog seems extremely theraputic. Once you read some more about my surrounding most of the week, you'll see why I have the drive to find some inner peace. I'll tell you more about that on another day.
So that's it, in a nutshell. I think I'm going to start with painting. What do you think? I mean, how can I go wrong? There is no wrong or right with painting. You just put what you feel on paper with beautiful colours and contrasts. I don't want to ever sell it. That wouldn't be the point. I just want to start there. I want to find out what it is that has got me "searching"!!
I always feel like my insides want to be busy, but my lifestyle is BO-RING! I know, it sounds crazy, but i'm definately not balanced. What is it I'm looking for?
Is it travel? Is it art? Is it cause? I have no idea. But as God as my witness, I WILL find out. With the help of you and this Blog of course.
Please feel free to write anything, and write often. Everything at this point will be considered. I know I'm not alone.